60 ways to PISS OFF a woman

1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close and whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same."

2) Put new tampons in your nose, lay on your stomach, clap your hands and say "ornk" in your best walrus imitation.

3) Use her bra as a slingshot.

4) Put her bra on your head and try to turn a Barbie doll into Kelley LeBroc.

5) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Go bowling.

6) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

7) Put one of her breasts to your ear. If she asks what you're doing, say "Listening for the ocean."

8) Give her a hickey on the tip of her nose.

9) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

10) Ask if you can write her name in the snow, next time it snows.

11) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass."

12) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, starting crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom/bathroom and slam the door.

13) Read her this list.

14) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle of beer.

15) Put her panties on your head. Strip completely nude otherwise and tiptoe around the house and pretend to carry a shotgun. When she asks what your doing, say "Be vewy vewy quiet I'm hunting wabbits."

16) Tell her YOU have a headache, but your willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

17) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

18) Wear her best skirt to the Scottish Highlands event next weekend.

19) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

20) Tell her your thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her.

21) Say everything in Pig Latin.

22) Tell her you think anorexia and bulimia are really cool.

23) If she mentions committment or marriage, mention anal group sex in the same tone of voice.

24) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry 'em like six-packs.

25) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a crash diet because of a heart condition.

26) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

27) Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

28) Tell her you downloaded the Join The Crew Virus into her computer and it's wiping out her hard drive.

29) Give her genitalia pet names like Tuna, Skunk or Compost Heap.

30) Insist that she refer to you as Thor God of Thunderous Love while in public. Don't answer if she calls you anything else.

31) In her presence call her dad and describe in intimate detail what you did last night. When she's shocked, tell her you always relate your late night experiences to your best friends.

32) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out.

33) Or, ask her Dad out.

34) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.

35) Tell her you've decided to become a transsexual lesbian and want to move in with her.

36) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

37) Scream your own name during sex.

38) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to know what to scream.

39) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests, say "All right. We'll have a fucking contest between the two of you."

40) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

41) Take a tape measure to bed and measure her privates. Tell her "You just don't measure up."

42) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon."

43) Tell her you want to shave your privates. Do hers first. Point and laugh when your done.

44) Ask for a skin sample. Tell her if she dies your gonna use "Jurassic Park" technology to create clones of her so you'll never be lonely ... after editing out the *bitch* genes.

45) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.

46) Say "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours." If she goes through with it, pout. Say "You saw my balls. I want to see your ovaries."

47) Tell her one breast is smaller than the other. Then say, "The other one. No, the other one. Damn it, I know they're not the same size."

48) Point to her genitalia. Say "I know a good plastic surgeon who can fix that."

49) Point to her genitalia. Say "Damn. What happened to the other guy?"

50) Point to her genitalia. Say "That's a nasty cut. Maybe you should see a doctor."

51) Order a pizza for delivery with extra anchovies. Tell her it reminds you of her.

52) Grab one of her breasts. Shake vigorously, but not so hard as to hurt. Tell her your trying to make a milk shake.

53) Answer every question with "Spam. Fried Spam. Nothing like it for a late night snack."

54) Tell her you've decided to live every day to the fullest and have planned a fabulously romantic weekend with her ... and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

55) Tell her you want to whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Whisper "Sucralose, Sacchrin, Nutrasweet."

56) While slow-dancing, drool on her back.

57) Ask when was the last time she shaved her back.

58) Tell her you need to borrow a bra to play golf/tennis/racketball/poker/fish/etc. because you lost your jock strap.

59) Study her legs intently. Gently poke a small area on one leg. Say, "Nah. It's nothing." Ignore her attempts to have you explain what you were talking about.

60) Tell complete strangers that she has abducted you and is secretly holding you at gunpoint.

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