Dumb Blonde Jokes
Two Blondes are walking through a paddock when
they spot another Blonde in a rowboat, also in the paddock, paddling as fast as she can.
The first Blonde says, 'Ya know, It's Blondes like that that give us a bad name'
The second one nods, & says, 'Yeh, If I could swim out to her, I'd hit her!'
Two Blondes are walking through a forest when they see some tracks, the first one gets scared & says, 'They're Lion tracks!' The second Blonde is calm & says, 'Don't worry, they're only deer tracks'. They were both still arguing when they were hit by the train.
A Blonde walks into a pizza place & orders a large pizza, The man asks her if he should cut it into six or eight slices & she simply replies, 'You'd better make it six, I don't think I could eat eight'.
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the
A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can
you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: Why does a blonde like the number 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.
Q: Why can't blondes water-ski?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Why are blondes like...
Pianos? - When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Australia? - They're both down under, and no one cares.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunting peckers.
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with the IQ
A: A foursome.
Q: What do you give the blonde who has
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in
order to boost their popularity?
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is blonde & green & jumps from
bed to bed?
A: A prostitoad.
Q: What is 68 to a blonde?
A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her
hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3½
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the
nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What is the difference between...
Elvis & smart blondes? - Elvis has been sighted.
Blondes & traffic signs? - Some traffic signs say stop.
A blonde & a lightbulb? - The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
A blonde & a bitch? - A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.
A blonde & a shopping cart? - The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
A corn farmer with epilepsy & a blonde with diarrhea? - One shucks between fits.
A blonde and an ironing board? - It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
A blonde and a walrus? - One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.
A blonde and a brick? - When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
A blonde and a broom closet? - Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
A blonde and a phone booth? - You need a quarter to use the phone.
- Only one person can use the phone at once.
A counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? - One's a phony buck.
A chorus line of blondes and a magician? - A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? - Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
A blonde and a computer? - You only have to punch information into a computer once.
A blonde and a guy? - The blonde has the higher sperm count.
A blonde and the Panama Canal? - The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
A tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team? - The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
A crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde? - He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.
A blonde and a trampoline? - You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
A prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? - The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?", The nympho says "Are you done already?", The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Indiana and a blonde? - A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
A blonde and a toothbrush? - You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
A blonde and a shower? - A shower has to be turned on to get wet.
A blonde and your job? - Your job still sucks after 6 months.
A blond having her period and a terrorist? - You can negotiate with a terrorist.
A blond and a toilet? - A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
A blonde and a rooster? - In the morning a rooster says, "Cockle-doodle-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
A blonde and a limousine? - Not everybody has been in a limousine.
A blonde and a bowling ball? - You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
- You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes
have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked
over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after
she has had sex or in the morning?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the
world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: What did the blonde say when she
woke up under the cow?
A: What are you guys still doing here?
Q: What are the worst 6 years in a
A: Third Grade.
Q: What did the blonde say about
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: What did the blonde think of the
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard the
British were coming?
A: She stopped sucking.
Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed
her newborn baby in the delivery room?
A: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: What does a blond say during a porno?
A: There I am!!
Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her
twat when she stands?
A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde
A: Her feet!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes
below the waist?
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been
making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from
the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple
A: Way to go team!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a
window during a thunder storm?
A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question
"Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the
A: "Thanks, guys..."
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of
A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before
he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the
entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a brunette and three
blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her
trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that said she
would do anything for a fur coat?
A: Well, now she can't button it.(Prego)
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had an
A: Well, now she is making money on the side.
Q: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse
down by the water?
A: She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC.
Q: Did you hear about the blond that was
treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ALMOST
CAUSED A WRECK?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE DOCTOR?
A: She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ATE
A: She was dragged 200 yards.
Q: DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULDN'T
WAIT TO SEE "20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN
FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES CLOSED?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH
CONTROL FOR BLONDES?
A: They take off their makeup.
Q: Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach?
A: She's afraid to get sand in her Busch.
Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
A: To keep their legs together.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing
hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her
Q: What do you call a blonde without an
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'em, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been
using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent
from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's
diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on
their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells
than a cow?
A1: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
Q: What does a blonde and a tampon have in
A: They're both stuck up c*nts!
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blondes have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST (Goods and
Services Tax) ?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear
short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the
A1: Introduces themselves.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask
his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde,
and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a
building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood
footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if
her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a
penny for her thoughts?
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet
with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom
of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call a room full of women, half
with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and
another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution
of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on
the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar
on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of
A: Bobbing for Bimbos.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you see when you look into a
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in
A1: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
A2: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to
make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev
have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before
the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
A: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE"
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS
over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a
A: Because she loved children.
Q: Why did they call the blond Twinkie?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and
then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she
finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette,
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and
a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken
over by a demon?
A: A vacant possession.
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
A: She took the examiner with her
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two
chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery
ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win
Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
A: Who cares
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a
A: Pick them up off the floor
Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average is about 18-20, I think.)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List.
Q: What is the irritating part around a
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd
ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into
a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why are blondes like Cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an
arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the
A: Nothing - they've never met.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech
A: She can't say "No".
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in
another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the
buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the
steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that
were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
"Fun. fun. fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea
in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a
pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: HOW DOES A BLONDE PREPARE FOR SAFE SEX?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that
90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to
blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: THERE WAS A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WHO WERE
ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY BOTH JUMPED OFF A TALL BUILDING, AND A COUPLE OF SECONDS
LATER, THE BRUNETTE HIT THE PAVEMENT, BUT NOT THE BLONDE. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
A: She got lost.
Q: A GUY ASKED HIS BLONDE WIFE "HOW DID
YOU GET THE CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A BLONDE BELIEVED IN
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes mostly one-liners?
A: That's so men can understand them!
Q: What do blondes put behind their ears to
A: Their feet.
Q: What do blond lesbians do?
A: They sleep with men.
Santa Claus is walking down the street with a
smart blonde and a dumb blonde. They all see a hundred dollar bill lying in the street.
Q: Which one bends down to pick it up?
A: The dumb blonde. the other two don't exist!
Q: How do you stop a blonde from smoking?
A: Slow down or use a lubricant
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: She gnawed off three of her legs before she got out of the trap.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".
There was this blonde going to get a hair cut.
She was wearing her walkman, and she told the guy, "Cut my hair, but you have to cut
around the headphones, okay?" He's thinking (weird) but says, "Sure, whatever
Sure enough, as he is cutting her hair, he misses and cuts the cord of the headphones. They fall off, and she falls over, dead. He grabs the headphones and listens. He hears- "Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In, Breathe Out..."
There was a typical blond. She had long, blond
hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make-over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep." She said.
"Well thank you." Said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." said the woman.
"Okay." Replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" Asked the woman.
"Sure." Said the sheep herder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said
"Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" Queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A blonde goes into a world wide message center
to send a message to her mother in Poland.
The man tells her it will be $300.
She exclaims,"I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything"??
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does!!
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello....mom?"
Q: What is the first thing a blonde says in the
A: Are you all on the same team.
A medical student was taken on his first tour
of the morgue. The monger (for that is what they call people who run morgues, perhaps)
opened the first drawer and in it was a Brunette.
"She looks very happy" said the medic, noticing the smile on the corpse's face.
"Well, she died in the sack; a happy lady" explained the morger.
They moved on to the second drawer, which was opened to reveal a Redhead with a big smile.
"Now there's a happy looking corpse." said the medic "what good fortune befell this woman at the hour of her untimely death?"
"Well," replied the morger "this poor woman fell into a vat of Vodka and thus died happy"
They moved predictably on to the third drawer which contained a Blond with the biggest inane grin spread wide across her face.
"What happened to her?" asked the medic, "she looks like she was ecstatic when she died"
"She was struck by lightening" replied the medic "So why the big grin? "When she saw the flash she thought someone was taking her picture"
Hear about the new shade of paint called
It isn't too bright but it spreads real easy!
There was a blond driving in her new car, when
the driver behind kept flashing his lights. Thinking that something was wrong she stopped.
The car behind stopped, when she went to the drivers door she found him stark naked.
Shocked, she ran back to her car, and drove to a police station where an officer took a statement
"And did the man have an erection?" asked the policeman
"No, it was a Ford Mondeo"
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she
got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said,
"Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Did you hear about the blonde who -
Had more on her body than on her mind?
Was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
Took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
Had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
Thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
After watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to
unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a
bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
There were three women who were at the
gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what
position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?"
They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin!
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on
newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke:
*Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes?
*Blonde Answers: An interprolater!
*We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up
all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.
A blonde was driving down the highway to
Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a
minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd
been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down
"Miss, may I see your driver's license please?"
"Driver's license? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to
"iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light
bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There were three people stranded on an island,
a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland
and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to
shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from
the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke,
when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Three blondes were walking through the desert
when they found a magic genie's lamp. The genie said, "I will grant three wishes, one
for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead.
The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.
Confucius say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some
rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How
much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to
the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
This guy just started at his new job, working
at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and
"can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's
positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "5."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "5 for the black one, 5 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "5 for the white one, 5 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "5 for the white, 5 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you 65."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for 65!"
Imitation of a blonde refueling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Another blonde sent a post card home:
"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"
Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash?
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
How is a blonde like a.......
Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow.
Vacuum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck.
Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on.
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a
new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge
of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up
to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.
Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes
1) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
2) Do you want to see something swell?
3) What do you like for breakfast?
4) Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
5) Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
6) Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
10) You smell wet. Lets party!
11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?
12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew!
13) You have the ass of a great artist.
Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde
1) I just threw up!
2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?
4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good.
6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
7) Your face or mine?
8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
9) I want to floss with your pubic hair.
10) I'd look good on you.
11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?
12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard".
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
If a blond and a redhead jumped from an airplane at the same time, which would hit the ground first? the redhead of course, the blond would get lost on the way down.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand
grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why can't blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
A brunette goes to the doctor
and, touching every part of her body with her finger, she says, "Doctor it
hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, even my head
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?"
"Why, yes I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
A brunette is standing on some
train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21, 21, 21."
A blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join in. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21, 21, 21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place.
The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting "22, 22, 22".
Why does it take longer to build
a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
A blonde walks up to a Coke
machine and puts in a coin.
Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps dispensing drinks.
A brunette walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking her if someone else could have a turn.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Not now, can't you see I'm winning?!"
A young blonde is distraught
because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and
buys a handgun.
Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
Hear about the blonde that got an
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice
They drowned in Spring Training.
What did the blonde say when she
saw the sign in front the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Why did the blonde scale the
To see what was on the other side.
How can you tell if you're
getting a fax from a blonde?
It has a stamp on it.
Why were the two blondes frozen
to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde
guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping.
She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
A young ventriloquist is touring the
clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid Blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
The local sheriff was looking for a
deputy, so a blonde went in to apply for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A blond from Arkansas is going on his
first overseas trip. He drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a
In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application.
The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the blond trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blond answers.
While shopping at the grocery store,
I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the
tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
She Was So Blonde That...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a
A dope ring...
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a
She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the
pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Two blondes are building a house. One is
nailing the siding onto one side of the house.
The second blonde notices that sometimes the one nailing the siding on will take a nail out of the nail apron, look at it and throw it away, ending up only using about half of the nails so examined.
"Why are you throwing those nails away?" the second blonde asks.
"Those nails are defective." replies the first blonde, taking yet another nail from the nail apron. "Just like this one, see? When I take them out of the apron, they are pointed the wrong way, away from the house. I can't drive them in like that."
"Silly," hollers the second blonde. "those nails aren't defective. They're for the other side of the house"
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean
out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency
Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
The police department, famous for its
superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
A state trooper pulls a car over on a
lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."
Got A Blonde Joke?