Computer Viruses

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to 200mb.

Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old and damaged files after talking them into wanting to be deleted.

George Bush Jr.  Virus: Deletes all your files, but does so compassionately.  After the virus is eliminated, your program's "HELP" will not answer a single question.

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus: Everything in your Mickey Mouse computer goes Goofy.

Al Gore Virus: Instantly reformats your modem so it can only connect with computers in the Chinese government.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Vince Foster Virus: Helps all other viruses do their dirty work, covers their tracks, then terminates itself (maybe).

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be back.

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

EVEN WITH ALL THESE VIRUSES, YOU ALSO MUST AVOID:
The O.J.  Simpson Virus Scanner: Promises to find and get rid of all viruses, but then does nothing but play your computer golf game.

Is Windows A Virus?
So, is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus.
Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing the system down - Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - Okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh ... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
1. Viruses are well supported by their authors.
2. Viruses are running on most systems.
3. Their program code is fast, compact and efficient.
4. They tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
Therefore, Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

 

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