Various Jokes

How come golfers wear two pairs of shoes?
Because they might get a hole in one.

What kind of banks do alligators use?
River banks.

What do you call a frozen policeman?
A copsicle.

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos.

What did the rug say to the floor?
I've got you covered.

What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet.

How do you make friends with a computer?
Bit by bit.

Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
A horse.

Why did Mr. Stupid tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.

What's stranger than seeing a catfish?
Seeing a goldfish bowl.

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they're always stuffed.

What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
Someone who likes to pitch tents.

Why is a calendar so sad?
Because its days are numbered.

What do cows give after an earthquake?
Milk shakes.

If two is company and three is a crowd, what is four and five?
Nine.

What has two arms but can't raise them?
A chair.

Why do ghosts like health food?
Because it's super natural.

Why would anyone hire an elephant?
Because they like to work for peanuts.

Why didn't the skeleton ask his girl friend to the dance?
Because he didn't have any guts.

What did one arithmetic book say to the other?
I've got a lot of problems.

Why do bananas put on suntan lotion?
To keep from peeling.

Why is a room full of married people empty?
Because there's not a single person in it.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Why did the jelly roll?
Because it saw the apple turn over.

Why did the fly dance on top of the pickle jar?
Because it said twist to open.

Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
To the moo-vies.

Why are birds poor?
Because money doesn't grow on trees.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

What did one autumn leaf say to another?
I'm falling for you.

How do you tell someone that they are really ugly?
You are so ugly the tide won't go out with you.

How can your pocket be empty and still have something in it?
When it has a hole in it.

Why did the baker rob the bank?
He needed the dough.

Why did the farmer feed his cows money?
He wanted rich milk.

What should you do if your dog is missing?
Check the lost and hound.

What kind of truck do ballerinas drive?
Toe trucks.

What do the moon and false teeth have in common?
They both come out at night.

What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody wood pickle.

Why did the old man put his car in the oven?
He wanted a hot rod.

Why did the prisoner want to get measles?
So he could break out.

What do astronauts eat for dinner?
Launch meat.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Have no ideer.

Why do roaches like to live in other people's homes?
Because they don't have to pay rent.

What does Christmas have to do with a cat in a desert?
They both have sandy claws.

What is an owl's favorite subject?
Owlgebra.

Why shouldn't you put an ad in the paper if your dog is lost?
Because dogs can't read.

What did the light bulb say to the switch?
You turn me on.

What is a chimps favorite snack?
Chocolate chimp cookies.

How does a basket ball player stay cool?
He stands by a fan.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf with an octopus?
A fur coat with a lot of sleeves.

What word begins with e and has only one letter in it?
Envelope.

What do you call a dismal dog?
A grey hound.

What figures do the most walking?
Roman numerals.

How do you get an elephant to follow you?
Act like a nut.

What is a kangaroo's favorite year?
Leap year.

If a king sits on gold, who sits on silver?
The lone ranger.

What do bunnies say on January 1?
Hoppy new year.

Why do beach combers never starve at the beach?
Because of all the sand-which-is there.

What did the baby light bulb say to its mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.

What do bulls write letters with?
A bullpen.

How many vampires does it take to put in a lightbulb?
None, vampires like the dark.

What color do you paint the sun and the wind?
The sun rose, and the wind blue.

Which brand of underwear does King Tut like best?
Fruit of the tomb.

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are all week days.

Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot, anyone can catch a cold.

Did you hear about the depressed archeologist?
His life was in ruins.

What do you call it when one cat sues another?
A clawsuit.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

Where do elderly photographers go to live out their declining years?
The Old Focus Home

One species of pre-humans was known for constantly wandering around. What were they called?
Meanderthal Men

What is the title of the famous novel about rodents & spices?
Of Mice Cinnamon

What is necessary to circumcise a whale?
Four Skindivers

What international city is named for a sunbathing animal?
Istanbul

Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.

What do you call a cat who does tricks?
A magic kit.

What kind of work does a weak cat do?
Light mouse work.

Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter.

Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.

Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
Catch.

What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Kit-tea.

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.

How do you call a barber cat?
Yell..."Hair Kitty!"

How does one tell the gender of a chromosome?
By Pulling down its genes

What kind of dog has hands?
A Watchdog

Why is approaching a northern sea bird ungainly?
It would be auk-ward

What could you say about a botany professor who spent his sabbatical studying the foliage of sagebrush and wormwood?
He took a leaf of absinthe

What's the difference between a manicurist and a crack secretary?
One files nails. The other nails files

What saint chased the snakes out of Ireland three times?
St. Hat-Trick

What's the starting price for long term rental of a decent concert piano?
At leased forte grand

What World War II weapon was invented by a singing cowboy movie star?
A Tom Mix Bomb

When you visit the bank, why does endorsing and depositing your check sometimes require a pair of magicians?
 You’ll need a Penn and Teller

 

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