How come golfers wear two pairs of
Because they might get a hole in one.
What kind of banks do alligators use?
What do you call a frozen policeman?
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
What did the rug say to the floor?
I've got you covered.
What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet.
How do you make friends with a
Bit by bit.
Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
Why did Mr. Stupid tip toe past the
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
What's stranger than seeing a catfish?
Seeing a goldfish bowl.
Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they're always stuffed.
What do you get when you cross a
baseball player with a boy scout?
Someone who likes to pitch tents.
Why is a calendar so sad?
Because its days are numbered.
What do cows give after an earthquake?
If two is company and three is a
crowd, what is four and five?
What has two arms but can't raise
Why do ghosts like health food?
Because it's super natural.
Why would anyone hire an elephant?
Because they like to work for peanuts.
Why didn't the skeleton ask his girl
friend to the dance?
Because he didn't have any guts.
What did one arithmetic book say to
I've got a lot of problems.
Why do bananas put on suntan lotion?
To keep from peeling.
Why is a room full of married people
Because there's not a single person in it.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the jelly roll?
Because it saw the apple turn over.
Why did the fly dance on top of the
Because it said twist to open.
Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
To the moo-vies.
Why are birds poor?
Because money doesn't grow on trees.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What did one autumn leaf say to
I'm falling for you.
How do you tell someone that they are
You are so ugly the tide won't go out with you.
How can your pocket be empty and still
have something in it?
When it has a hole in it.
Why did the baker rob the bank?
He needed the dough.
Why did the farmer feed his cows
He wanted rich milk.
What should you do if your dog is
Check the lost and hound.
What kind of truck do ballerinas
What do the moon and false teeth have
They both come out at night.
What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody wood pickle.
Why did the old man put his car in the
He wanted a hot rod.
Why did the prisoner want to get
So he could break out.
What do astronauts eat for dinner?
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Have no ideer.
Why do roaches like to live in other
Because they don't have to pay rent.
What does Christmas have to do with a
cat in a desert?
They both have sandy claws.
What is an owl's favorite subject?
Why shouldn't you put an ad in the
paper if your dog is lost?
Because dogs can't read.
What did the light bulb say to the
You turn me on.
What is a chimps favorite snack?
Chocolate chimp cookies.
How does a basket ball player stay
He stands by a fan.
What do you get when you cross a
werewolf with an octopus?
A fur coat with a lot of sleeves.
What word begins with e and has only
one letter in it?
What do you call a dismal dog?
A grey hound.
What figures do the most walking?
How do you get an elephant to follow
Act like a nut.
What is a kangaroo's favorite year?
If a king sits on gold, who sits on
The lone ranger.
What do bunnies say on January 1?
Hoppy new year.
Why do beach combers never starve at
Because of all the sand-which-is there.
What did the baby light bulb say to
I wuv you watts and watts.
What do bulls write letters with?
How many vampires does it take to put
in a lightbulb?
None, vampires like the dark.
What color do you paint the sun and
The sun rose, and the wind blue.
Which brand of underwear does King Tut
Fruit of the tomb.
What are the strongest days of the
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are all week days.
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot, anyone can catch a cold.
Did you hear about the depressed
His life was in ruins.
What do you call it when one cat sues
What do you call a chicken crossing
Poultry in motion.
When does Christmas come before
In a dictionary.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Where do elderly photographers go
to live out their declining years?
The Old Focus Home
One species of pre-humans was
known for constantly wandering around. What were they called?
What is the title of the famous
novel about rodents & spices?
Of Mice Cinnamon
What is necessary to circumcise a
What international city is named
for a sunbathing animal?
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
What do you call a cat who does
A magic kit.
What kind of work does a weak cat
Light mouse work.
Why did the mother cat put stamps
on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter.
Which state has a lot of dogs and
Which game did the cat want to
play with the mouse?
What do English cats drink in the
Where did the kittens go on their
To a mewseum.
How do you call a barber cat?
How does one tell the gender of a
By Pulling down its genes
What kind of dog has hands?
Why is approaching a northern sea
It would be auk-ward
What could you say about a botany
professor who spent his sabbatical studying the foliage of sagebrush and
He took a leaf of absinthe
What's the difference between a manicurist and
a crack secretary?
One files nails. The other nails files
What saint chased the snakes out of Ireland
What's the starting price for long term rental
of a decent concert piano?
At leased forte grand
What World War II weapon was invented by a
singing cowboy movie star?
A Tom Mix Bomb
When you visit the bank, why does endorsing
and depositing your check sometimes require a pair of magicians?
You’ll need a Penn and Teller