Signs That You May Be Experiencing Menopause

1.  Hot Flashes: You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2.  Night Sweats: The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
3.  Mood Swings: Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter.  Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
4.  Memory Loss: You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
5.  Irritability: Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
6.  Sleeplessness: The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
7.  Fatigue: You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
8.  Mild Incontinence: You change your underwear after every sneeze.
9.  Sudden Weight Gain: You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
10.  Dryness: You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
11.  Female Hormone Deficiency: You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania".
12.  Hormone Therapy: You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.