Signs That You May Be Experiencing Menopause
1. Hot Flashes: You sell
your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Night Sweats: The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
3. Mood Swings: Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
4. Memory Loss: You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
5. Irritability: Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
6. Sleeplessness: The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
7. Fatigue: You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
8. Mild Incontinence: You change your underwear after every sneeze.
9. Sudden Weight Gain: You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
10. Dryness: You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
11. Female Hormone Deficiency: You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania".
12. Hormone Therapy: You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.