Adult Jokes

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.  When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.  Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake.  When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me!  I'm on long term disability."

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going  to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?!" she snapped.

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him,
"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said, "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way!  We've sworn off women for life!"
The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."
"Okay," they said and left. The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."

NEW DRUG IDENTIFICATION
All drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen.
Advil is Ibuprofen, etc.
For the last few months, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Yesterday they announced that they have finally settled on Mycoxafailin

The Life of an Egg
If you think life is bad....... How would you like to be an egg?
*   You only get laid once.
*   You only get eaten once.
*   It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
*   Only 2 minutes to get soft.
*   You share your box with 11 other guys.
*   But worst of all.....
*   The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli".
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary  worked here?"

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said: "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."

The Dishes
---------------------------
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.
He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word, so Steve decides to have a little fun.
He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her Mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her Mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

April 15 was fast approaching and a young lady of the evening went to her tax preparer to file her income tax.
Well when the conservative young man started to fill out the forms, he asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a prostitute," the girl said unabashedly.
The fellows face turned red and he stammered, "Oh, we can't say that on the form.  Is there something else you can call yourself."
The young woman thought for a moment and said, "You can put down that I'm a hooker."
The young man's face got redder and he shook his head. "No, we can't say that either."
The young woman thought for a moment and finally said, "All right, just put down that I'm a chicken farmer."
The young man looked at her for a moment, an expression of perplexity spreading across his face. "A chicken farmer? Why a chicken farmer?"
The young woman looked at him and replied, "Because I must have raised about 300 cocks last year."

Two guys were having a drink in a pub.
"I feel so embarrassed" said the first. "I walked into the library to borrow a book and was so distracted by the librarian's breasts that I asked her whether she had Dickens' "A Sale of Two Titties".
"Don't worry" said his mate. "Slips of the tongue happen all the time.  Only this morning at breakfast I had wanted to ask my wife to pass the margarine, instead of which I said "You bloody bitch, You ruined my life."

Scientists have discovered that the humble sponge is the most intelligent creature on earth.
They are the only creatures on the planet who have successfully managed to train thousands if not millions of gorgeous, hot, sexy women to rub them all over the hot, wet, steamy, naked bodies!!

A bear and a rabbit were sitting on a log, with their butts hanging over, taking a crap.
The bear looked over at the rabbit and asked in a friendly manner, "Gee, do you ever have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replied, "Why, no, I don't!"
"Good," the bear said, as he grabbed the rabbit by the ears and wiped his ass with him.

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries.  A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.  A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,  "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,  "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Engineer
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will assume you are spending time with other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
 - has to work hard;
 - has to work at great depths;
 - has to work upside down;
 - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
 - has to work in a high humidity environment;
 - has to work at high temperatures;
 - does not get weekends and holidays off;
 - does not get time off after extra hours of work;
 - has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
The requests were denied for the following reasons:
 - does not work 8 hours in a row;
 - does not answer immediately to all requests;
 - does not have a degree;
 - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
 - shows no fidelity to the workplace;
 - retires too early;
 - does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
 - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."
The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I frequently seduce my female patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

A nun dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question."
"What," asks St. Peter," were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"
"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."
"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the  nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office.
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe,and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The  lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and  meatballs, two without!"

An eight-year-old girl went out to her father who was pottering about in the garden one evening and asked: "Daddy, what's sex?"
The man was rather surprised but decided if she was old enough to ask the question, she was old enough to get a straight answer.  So he sat her down and told her all about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm;  the man and the woman, the whole lot.  When he was finished he asked his daughter:  "Why did you ask this question?"
She looked a bit puzzled and said: "Well, Mom just told me to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.
He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.
The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words - That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.
They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.  *Three times!*
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks.
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.  Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms.
He goes up to the pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"
The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"
"Sure do" replied the boy, "They keep you from getting venereal diseases."
"O.K." said the pharmacist, "But do you know what the ribs are for?"
The little boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

Mujo comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer.
As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry.
He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"
"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."
Mujo asks, "Who the fuck is the black rider?"
The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"
Mujo thinks, "Fuck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him."
So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy.
All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots.
Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!
The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"
Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"
"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.
Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.
The man says, "Blow me."
Mujo thinks, what else can he do? That's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job. The man starts moaning.
Mujo asks, "Is everything OK sir?"
The man replies, "Yes, it's OK.  But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and than we're both dead."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close air tight."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"  So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?  "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.  "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"  "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."  The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.
The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

The busy Park Avenue veterinarian impatiently assured the well-dressed lady with the schnauzer dog that there was nothing wrong with the animal's hearing.
"There's just too much hair around the dogs ears," he said. "Get some hair remover and he'll be all right."
She purchased a bottle of depilatory at a nearby pharmacy, And the clerk instructed her to use it full strength for leg hair and to dilute it by half for under arms.
"Thanks," said the woman with a puzzled frown, "but I want to use this on my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the clerk, somewhat taken aback. "Well, in that case you'd best use it at one-third strength...and...uh...I wouldn't advise bike riding for a while!"

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."
The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds."

"My god!  What happened to you?" the bartender asked Mikew as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley?  He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye...that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord...didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did," Kelly said.  "And a beautiful thing it was, but that particular part of Mrs.  Riley is not much use in a fight!"

It's Saturday morning...
Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.
So Bob heads back to the club house and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over a rug and went out the front window and now she looks like she's dead."
"Oh my god...And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he looks like he's all dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

Cinderella was all upset she couldn't go to the ball.
But then, her fairy godmother appeared and said "You can go to the ball on two conditions."
"Great! I'll do anything!" said Cinderella.
"Ok" said the fairy godmother "The first condition is...you have to wear a diaphragm"
"No problem" said Cinderella.
"The second condition," continued the fairy godmother, "if you're not home by midnight, you diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin"
"Yikes" said Cinderella, "I'll be home by midnight".
So midnight comes and goes, and finally it's 3 am. Cinderella is just getting home, looking extremely satisfied.
"Where have you been?! Your diaphragm should've turned into a pumpkin hours ago!" said her fairy godmother.
"I met a man", said Cinderella. "His name was Peter Peter something or other..."

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.  After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.  They end up getting married.  On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.  The week flew by and they all had a great time.  After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again!  Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad!  My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

Did you hear about the hooker who became ill and couldn't work?
She asked a friend if she could borrow $200 until she got on her back again.

A new reporter for a small newspaper was sent out on his first assignment.  He submitted the following report to his editor.  "Mrs. Jones was injured in a car accident today.  She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.  Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard.  Finally he handed the Editor the following report.  "Mrs. Jones was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o )"

Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses.
He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked.
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on.
Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her.
He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Billy Bob then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these, and they're already broken!"

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly ever morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts. He told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bow and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting.
This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.
She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you"
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,... I think I got'em all back in!!!"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! You are a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

One day a hunter was walking through the woods and he spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear.
So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear thus saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him on heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness.
They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you.  I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."
With this, the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens.
They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them.
The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
He turned to the Chief and asked why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breast.
The Chief replied, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

Three couples went to New York for a weekend but neglected to make hotel reservations.
They were shocked to find only two rooms left in the entire area.
Each room had only one bed.
They took the rooms and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three men share the other.
In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave.
Another man asked him, "What are you doing?"
The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."
The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?"
The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest boner I've ever had!"
The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."
The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"
The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick."

There was a dude with long hair walking through the airport in Salt Lake City. As he was passing a much more conservative couple, he overheard the asshole husband say, "I can't tell if that's a girl or a boy."
So the long-haired dude walked up to him and said, "Why don't you suck my dick and find out."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens! Look what it's done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Scram!  Beat it!  You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance, old bird, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn it, ....third gay rooster I bought this month."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position.
The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my mail man came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

The minister met one of his lady parishioners on the street one day.
After exchanging greetings, the woman said: "Reverend, isn't it sinful the way my husband plays golf every Sunday morning?"
The good minister replied: "The kind of golf your husband plays, madam, is sinful on any day."

This guys wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?" and he replies,
"Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."
She then asks, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?" and he replies,
"We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says,
"That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh no, she's left handed."

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.
There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". 
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".

Danny decides to go to his high school's 50 year reunion.  He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up.  When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart Linda.  They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.
"How have you been?" Danny asks.
"Just fine, just fine," Linda replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you."
"Bad news first please."
"Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."
"Oh, that's terrible," Danny says.  "What's the good news?"
Linda says, "The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost."

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
You can usually find someone to do it with.
If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
A little coffee and you can do it all night.
If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser"
You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion.
The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a shit,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice'"

The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill.
They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice.
Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure", responded Bob, "how many ducks are there boy?".
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times.
Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.
Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Well, shit" Bill said, "this dog is useless."
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT ! That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a fucking stick at."

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
 As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the sťance, she called out, "John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm." 
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit out near Dubbo."

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.
"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."
When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically. After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

When you receive Adult sites via spam in your email, you might try to reply them like this:
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for the letter you sent informing me of your Adult Web site. My brothers and sisters weren't too happy with your site's contents.
I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new altar boy that just moved into town.
We contacted your local parish and the local Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.
He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and see that you attend the next prayer meeting.
He has reserved this Sunday night at 7 so that you can explain your business to the fellowship.
I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group, which will bring you 200 holy e-mail messages everyday.
There is no need to thank me, the Lord works in wondrous way!
Your sending that e-mail to me was the Lord telling me that you are calling for help.
Regards,
Father McMichael

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
The number of tits!

It's Robin's first time at the gynecologist.
She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death.
The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?"
She says, "Yes.  It's my first time at the gynecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
She says, "Please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup.
When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked.
He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House.
When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away.
Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did, you lousy jerk? You got me pregnant!!!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@&# GOOD-FOR- NOTHING JERK?  YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this?"

Q.  Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
A.  Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!

Q.  What do they call 69 in China?
A.  Two Can Chew.

Q:  What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
A:  He was stumped.

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the office going, Claudia ?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work.  Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with Boss."

Q:  What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
A:  "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh?  How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.  You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Hillary Clinton says, "Bill, now the press is saying you lent money to that Monica Lewinsky for plastic surgery."
He says, "You see how they twist things?  What I said was that I blew a wad on her face."

Q.  Why do women have arms?
A.  Because it would take too long to lick the kitchen clean.

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Q.  What's the difference between shooting arrows at lovers and Kathy Lee Gifford?
A.  Shooting arrows at lovers is a CUPID stunt.

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie

A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six.
One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning.
After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he'd been alone on this barren bit of land.
"Almost twenty years," he said.
"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.
"But how ever did you survive?"
"Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts," he replied.
"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.
After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it.
"Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clam digger!"

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. Have you seen the mess that snails leave behind.

A father comes home and asks where his son is.
His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.
The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing.
As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound.
When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.
He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car.
Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes.
Just then his dad walked in & he asked his father where his Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

Don came home one day, very excited. "Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Janice. "They say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"
Janice responded "That must be that girl from number 32, no one likes her."

A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is.
So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his left and sees a big guy come in.
The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge. The guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two.
He then goes over to the sink, swings his massive cock and smashes the sink in two, he then goes over to the toilet doors and smashes his cock off the door smashing it in half.
He says to the first man, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!"
The guy goes "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy.
"Hey, dude," he asks, "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"
"Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'.  When you white guys fuck, you just stick it in and: Wham!  Bam!  Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."
The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice.  First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but very slowly and very gently.
"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a black guy?"

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than one !"

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery.
One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word: Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about!  Your wife fell three times this week."

Sex Ed from Dad to Son
Son (S): Why is making love so enjoyable?
Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!
S: Why do women enjoy sex more than man?
F: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it?
S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menses?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it?
S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?
S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: Woa .  .  father you are good.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

The drunk asked where he could find a house of prostitution. He got the right number but remembered it wrong and tried to get into a home where a woman was leaning over the sink washing dishes.
The drunk rushed over, threw her on the floor and began making love to her.
Her husband, in an adjoining room, heard the ruckus. He ran to the kitchen, grabbed the drunk and proceeded to beat him to a pulp before throwing him out the door.
The drunk looked up at him from the driveway and said, "Boy, you sure got a lot to learn about running a whorehouse!"

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs. He arranged for a hooker to be sent to his room.
After they were finished, he said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

One night a father overhears his son saying his prayers.
"God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy.  Good-bye, Grampa," the boy intones.
Well, the father thinks it a bit strange, but soon forgets about it.  The next day, the Grandfather dies.
About a month or two later, the father hears his son saying his prayers.
Once again, "God bless Mommy.  God bless Daddy.  Good-bye, Grammy."
The next day the grandmother dies.  Well, the father gets more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overhears his son's prayers.
"God bless Mommy.  Good-bye, Daddy."
This alone nearly gives the father a heart attack.
He doesn't say anything, but he gets up early to go to work so that he can miss the traffic.
He stays all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he goes home and he's still alive!
When he gets home he apologizes to his wife. "I am sorry, Honey.  I had a very bad day at work today."
"YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY?" the wife yells.  "The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!!"

Zail Singh was preparing for his MBA exams.
He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part.
One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
RAJIV: Zailsinghji, How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
RAJIV: Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example,so that I can understand.
RAJIV:  OK,Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail : YES.
RAJIV:  Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail: YES.
RAJIV:  Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail: YES.
RAJIV:  Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
RAJIV:  I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
RAJIV:  so, Logically, you are married.
Zail: YES.
RAJIV: SO, logically you are not homo sexual.
Zailsingh was very glad that he understood logic.
Next day he sees Buta Singh who was also preparing  for MBA.
Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
BUTA :  Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail :  oh, logic is easy Rajiv explained me yesterday.
BUTA :  Please give me an example ...
Zail :  Do you have a fish pot in your house?
BUTA :  NO, I dont.
Zail :  Then your are homo sexual!

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his willy was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous pecker.
"You see that thing, Honey?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's pate while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also felt his gleaming plate.  "You're right," he said, "it does!"

Three guys are golfing with the club pro.
First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.
He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time.  What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door.
He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited.
The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him.
She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last.
Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

My wife's doctor told her, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is you're a bitch!"

Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.  I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing, I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."  And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house.  I'm married, so we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78.  We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start  a family, but they didn't know what they had to do to have children. 
So, they decided to visit a doctor.
With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation.
The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees.
The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor.
The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction.
The same result.
Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her.
He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do you understand?"
"Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one question."
Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, "Yes, what is it now?"
"How often do I have to bring her in?"

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, a daughter and a grandmother.
One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you do tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good" replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 5 bucks!"
"Good God!" Said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

Upon serving the passengers their in-flight snacks, one attendant attempted with utmost professional delicacy to communicate with the least risk of embarrassment to the passenger that his pants were unzipped.
"Sir, your garage door is open", she whispered.
Several times during the flight she attempted to inform him of his condition but her delicacy was lost on this dumb schmuck until of course he revisited the bathroom and realized that he'd been exposed throughout the entire flight.
Realizing now what she had been trying to tell him, he became livid with humiliation.
If she had just said his pants were unzipped in 'plain english' he'd have been spared the embarrassment of having been in flight almost 8 hours in that condition.
"Garage door" eh!  Well, two can play that game he said to himself.  I'll show her. Returning to his seat he waited for that quiet moment when he could be sure that most everyone around him could hear the exchange and called her over to his seat. "Say, when you saw that garage door open earlier, did you by any chance see a l-o-n-g, brown, sleek Cadillac parked in there?" he said smirking.
Without a moment's hesitation, however, the attendant replied, "Well, no sir, I sure didn't.....but I did see a little pink Volkswagen with flat tires!"

The Roman Catholic Church is in trouble and the Pope goes to the Mafia for a loan.
However, before they'll make the loan the Godfather demands the Pope do something to prove he will make good on the loan.
The Godfather tells him he must make love to a woman while witnesses watch.
The Pope protests, but eventually he realizes it's the only way to get the money, so he acquiesces on three conditions.
The Pope says, "First dis'a woman she musta be blind so she canna no see who is makin thisa love to her."
"Okay, done." says the Godfather.
"Number two," says the Pope, "she musta be deaf so she canna no hear who is a makin thisa love to her."
The Godfather agrees and asks, "And number three, Padre?"
The Pope grins and says, "She musta hava bigga tits!"

It's your first time.  As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.  He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.  His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.  You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.  As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.  He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.  Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on.  He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.  After a few  frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.  He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.  After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel casino to register at the front desk, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.
George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude to her."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted George.
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked 'Bambi' to come up to room 1217. When he hung up the phone, he said, "Now, Harriet, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough so you can hear us."
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the door and in walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
"$125! I was thinking more like $25."
Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, as he walked he to the door, "I guess we can't do business..."
As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and remarked, "I just can't believe it! Never in a million years would I have believed she was a hooker. But you were right, dear."
Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped cocktails at the hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and approached the two of them. She pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "Ha! See what you get for $25 mister?"

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed.
He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,
"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

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