Things To Do On A Phone

- Call an escort service and ask for two hours with the best girl; make it clear that if there's time left over, you want her to spend it cleaning your bathroom. If they say their girls don't do that, start a philosophical argument about why a girl who'd have sex for money would feel that scrubbing a toilet is beneath her.

- Call an undertaker and ask, "Hypothetically, how long could a body buried in a basement go undetected before neighbours picked up the stink?"

- Call the Q-Tips 1800 number and say that one of the cotton swab parts just came off in your ear. When they reply, keep shouting, "What? What?! What did you say?"

- Call an addiction hotline and explain that you're hooked on phonics.