"Do you think that when they
asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
--- Steven Wright
Visits always give pleasure - if not
the arrival, the departure.
--- Portuguese Proverb
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study :
--- Conan O'Brien
"It had to be a linguistics professor who said that it's
man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--- Jeff Stilson
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--- Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - Apparently
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--- David Letterman
"When Columbus came to
America, there were no taxes, no debts, and no pollution. The women did all the
work while the men hunted or fished all day. Ever since then, a bunch of idiotic
do-gooders have been trying to "improve" the place."
"Sometimes when I'm sitting
in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my
eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate
longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green."
"It's just a job.
Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
"I never worry about diets.
The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."
--- Mae West
"The man who views the world
at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."
"It's my job to make sure
none of these guys wakes up with seven hookers and a pound of marijuana."
---LeRoy Butler, Packers safety on taking over the role as team leader.
"Now son, you don't want to
drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'".
---Homer J. Simpson
"Tell him I've been too
fucking busy -- or vice versa."
"I'm tired of all this
nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do
you want, an adorable pancreas?"
"To Be Or Not To Be"
---William Shakespeare ('Hamlet')
"To Do Is To Be"
"To Be Is To Do"
"Do Be Do Be Do"