A British Look At Becoming An American Citizen

1.  Remove a third of your brain.
2.  Lose your sense of irony.
3.  Increase your mouth size by 200%.
4.  Fail to understand British humour.
5.  When visiting the U.K.  Be sure to say the word "Quaint" as often as you can. Us Brits REALLY like that, you know.
6.  THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX as a true American would have reached the end of their attention span by now!
7.  Say "Gee, call that a building?  They're ten times as bigger back home!"
8.  Don't produce a decent marmalade.
9.  Surgically implant a voice-box up your anus. That way, you can talk out of your arse, 24-7!
10.  Assume that everyone in the UK personally knows your decendants. We really do know them all.
11.  Have absolutely no idea that we're all laughing at you.  Not behind your backs, but to your faces, because none of you know the meaning of the phrase "taking the piss".
12.  Vietnam was a Police Action Conflict.  Not a war.  Anyways, you lost.  Get over it.
13.  Call all Brits Limeys, as we all live near the lime-stone cliffs of Dover, you know.
14.  Offend as many people as you can.
15.  Bomb a lot of other countries, but not for financial gain, of course.
16.  Have no gun control whatsoever.
17.  Remember to take everything on face value.  Style will always be more important than content
18.  Make sure that you can always buy a bigger, more expensive, less effective mousetrap and only buy it if its called the super ulitma deluxe 3000!
19.  Always insist on driving a car the size of a small farm and forget the concept of corners. Americans don't use them!
20.  To be fully accepted in American society you must have a problem which needs counselling. If you don't, you can always sue somebody!!
21.  Remember that to be a true American, you need to be clinically overweight...its patriotic!
22.  Wear as many cameras as your thick necks can carry
23.  Have a nice day

 

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