Various Jokes

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.  He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.  Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.  To me it is the nectar of the gods.  Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.  When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstacy.  It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow.  The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Old Gus was running for re-election for the Draw Bridge Operator (a very important position in the local government in their area), and he sent his friend, Butch out to solicit votes. Butch stops at farmer Jones farm and asks Mr. Jones if he would vote for Gus again to be operator of the draw bridge. Jones exclaimed,
"Hell no, I wouldn't vote for that "side winder" son of a bitch iffen he was last guy on earth."
"How come?" asked Butch. Jones replied,
"By gawd I'll tell ya' why.  Jest last week my prize bull got sick and me and Maw figured he might be constipated and Maw said lets give him an enemy, so Maw mixes up a batch of salts and hot water, but we aint got no funnel.  Well we look around and Maw gets our boys' bugle.  Wa'll I guess we got the water a little too hot when we funneled in the bull's ass 'cause about that time that bugle blowed and that prize bull he snorted and farted and the bugle blowed and he headed straight for that draw bridge.  I started yelling, "Gus please don't draw the draw bridge ,oh please ,please don't draw the draw bridge", but old Gus did and my prize bull bull fell off and drowned in the river."
"Why", asks Butch, "has that got anything to do for voting for old Gus?"
"Well, sir" cried Jones, "any son of a bitch that doesn't know the difference in a fog horn and a bugle up a bull's ass aint got no damn business running the draw bridge."

Three Canadian guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Newfie says, "I'm a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." With a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Quebec.
The Albertan asks, "I'm curious.  Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake.
The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!!"
The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!"
The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God. A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods.
The priest sighs and again, says : "Goddamn wind!!"
The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him. Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death.
The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky.
The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Goddamn wind!!!!"

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

While eating out with my son's family one day, I noticed my two grandchildren Matt and Tif, drinking the "Half and Half" coffee creamer from the little containers.
I picked one up and read the fat content aloud to them before dumping it into my coffee.
Tif, who at age nine is already figure-conscious, placed her creamer onto the table with a resolute, "I will never drink that stuff again! I can't have all that fat in my body."
Matt, age eleven, studies the creamer for a second or two, looks at me, looks at my coffee cup where I have just dumped the contents of the creamer and says, "Boy, Grandmother, you must have drunk a lot of this stuff in your life!"

Five surgeons were discussing which profession of people make the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I love to see those accountants on my table, cause when you open 'em up, all the parts are numbered."
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, that's true, but I like those electricians, everything is colour coded."
The third surgeon said, "No, I think librarians are the best, everything is labelled and in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon says, "Gentlemen, I have to go with the contractors. These guys always understand when there are a few parts left over, they aren't upset if the job takes longer than you tell them, and they accept the fact they will be over-billed."
The fifth surgeon replies, "I think you all have good points, but you're all wrong.  Politicians are by far the best.  There are no guts, no heart, no backbone, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

The census taker knocked on Miss Kimball's door.
She answered all his questions except one.
She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
"Certainly."
"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked,
"Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid.
So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him.
On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day then another and another.
After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.
In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.
The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "OK, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and  newspaper, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession  approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse,  about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men  walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached  the man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now is a bad time  to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose  funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well Sir, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her too."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
The husband replied, "Get in line."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources Director
Subject: Excessive Absences
-------------------------------------------------
Due to the excessive number of absences from the office, the following rules and procedures will be put into effect beginning immediately.
Sickness:
No excuse; we will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Leaves of Absence (for an operation):
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation as we believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Death (other than your own):
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and we are sure that someone else with a lessor position can tend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Death (your own):
This will be accepted as an excuse but we would like a two week notice, as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
Also, entirely too much time is spent in the restroom. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names beginning with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

Management Review of Writing Style
QUESTION:  How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Comment: What?  Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 
Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body;
                    the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Comment: Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful?  NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted
                     as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.
                    Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.

Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people...
I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I never saw him bring a gun.
One morning I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels.
He said "No, I just ugly them to death". Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done.
Shortly after we entered the woods we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel's attention and when the squirrel looked Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel.
To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground, dead as a door nail.
I told Thibodeaux "It is hard to believe anybody can do that!"  He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that.
He said "As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don't let her hunt anymore, cause she messes up the meat too bad."

A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire...
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk:  Haven't you heard? We've gone metric.  We sell things by the meter, not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it a moment) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk:  Right.  Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.  The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  The lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and get rid of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?

During a recent ecumenical gathering a secretary rushed in shouting, "The  building is on fire!"
The Methodist gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptist cried,  Where is the water?
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself"
The Fundamentalists  proclaimed,  "It's the vengeance of God"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairman who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong.
The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.
"Yes?" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly  smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the  bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the  bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought  himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic  love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and  withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of  the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral."

Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2. 

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Whatever you use regularly (toothpaste, detergent, skin-care products, cosmetics) are manufactured to do one of two things:
1. Either run out one at a time, causing you to go to the store so often that the manager offers you a cot in the back, or;
2. To run out all together, all at once, causing you financial ruin when you try to replace them.

The Customer Is Always Right - A True Story
This story takes a little background; Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened.  Ian is telling the story.
This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today.
Below is an approximate conversation with her.
her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
me: Is there more milk or coffee?
her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
her: Just the usual amount of milk.
me: A coffee with milk.
her: Yes.
me: Anything else?
her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
me: We do have decaf.
her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
her: Yes it does.
me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?
her: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
her: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.
her: Well what are those?  (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
her: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
me: No ma'am, cash only.
her: What about visa?
me: Is that a credit card?
her: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
her: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
her: What about checks?
me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
her: O.K..  how much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
her: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
her: O.K..  (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
her: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
her: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.
She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. I'm serious.

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know?  I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

"Retirement" - In the eyes of a child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays.
One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore."
"They go to a building called a wrecked centre, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim."
"At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts."
"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked centre and call it pot luck."
"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren"

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.  In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, I'm "just here to hook up your telephone."

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says:  "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You had your good life, you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.
The computers are all upgraded and there's speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."
Satan says, "No way!  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!"
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"

Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law abiding and truthful?
A: A tourist

A member of the Democratic party, recently deceased, approached the Pearly Gates.
After exchanging pleasantries with St. Peter, he is led into the receiving area and handed a clock which is not running.
Confused, and noticing the countless other clocks on the walls, the man asked Peter what they meant.
"There is one clock for each living person, and they represent the amount of time each person had left to live on earth. Since you're obviously here now, yours has stopped."
"Well, why is it that some clocks are running faster than others?"
Peter explained, "when someone tells a lie, the hands will move faster, thus shortening the lifespan of that person."
Curious, the deceased asked where Bill Clinton's clock was located.
"Oh," St. Peter said, "I keep that one in my office -- it makes a great ceiling fan!"

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad.....with a sports car around it.

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.
An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

The Little Turtle That Could
A little turtle began to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs, until he crashed heavily onto the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he started to climb the tree again, jumped again, and again heavily knocked the ground.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird said to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.  You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.  You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river'."

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men.  He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man.  Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country?  You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." And he walks off.
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.  "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

EURO ENGLISH The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".  Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.  Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k".  Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f".  This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".  During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.  Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.  Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

WASHINGTON TRUISIMS
Power obtained is power taken from someone else.
In Washington, it's not so important that you succeed, but that your friends fail.
Screw unto others as you would expect them to screw unto you.
Politics is Hollywood for ugly people.
Sex is to love as Washington is to truth.
The precision of the answer is inversely proportional to the significance of the question.
The worse the news, the lower ranking the official chosen to announce it.
Be careful who you're seen associating with: When a man lies down with hogs, the hogs don't end up smelling like man.
Flexibility is the key to success. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I didn't do it.  I didn't mean to.  I didn't know.  It's not a crime. They did it, too. I'm sponsoring a bill to ban it.
The fact that it didn't work before doesn't mean we will not try to make it work again.
It's only precedent if you follow it.
Being seen is not as important as being anonymously heard.
An ounce of perception is worth a pound of performance.
If they are begging for a few dollars, they are street people. If they are begging for billions, they are lobbyists.
Always remember that Washington is the only place in the universe where unethical doesn't equal illegal.

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.  When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone".

Eight-year-old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day.
"Mommy," says little Mary, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?"
"Well, that's something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind," answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school.
The friend explains how to overcome these problems. "All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the driver's license.
After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You're 35!"
The mother is very surprised.
"And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds. Right?"
The mother is shocked.
"And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
The mother, dumbfounded, asks, "Why?"
"It's because you got an F in sex."

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up. "Wake up, son.  It's time to go to school."
"But why, Mama?  I don't want to go to school."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
"One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on.
The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now.  By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.
The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four.
The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.
Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.
This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.
Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"
She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call --this time quite frantic.
"I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?"
"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."
"So, you use FOUR eggs.  Don't you have them?"
"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour --what is the problem?"
"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Q.  Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
A.  It won't work and you can't fire it.

Q.  Why does Los Angeles have the largest number of lawyers and New Jersey the largest number of landfill sites?
A.  New Jersey got first pick.

According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M."  Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for  class participation after answering the question:  How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers.  The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback.  Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a C++ programmer in order to work on Y2K projects.  What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Esther Cohen had three very active boys.
One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."
She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day"

There are these two guys driving a car, when the guy driving blows right through the red light.
"Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.
Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light.
"You ran ANOTHER stop light.  You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said.
After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped.
"Why are you stopping?"
The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but discovered he didn't have any money with him.
"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."
"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy....
SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times and THROWS it against the wall....
Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY!?
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says... "He was ALREADY DEAD!"

Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

Technology In The Eyes Of Country Folk:
1.  LOG ON:  Makin a wood stove hotter.
2.  LOG OFF:  Don't add no more wood.
3.  MONITOR:  Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4.  DOWNLOAD:  Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5.  MEGA HERTZ:  When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6.  FLOPPY DISC:  Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7.  RAM:  That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8.  HARD DRIVE:  Gettin home in the winter time.
9.  PROMPT:  Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS:  Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN:  Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE:  Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP:  Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP:  Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM:  Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX:  Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP:  Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD:  Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE:  Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE:  Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME:  Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT:  Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER:  Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:  Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD:  That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.
He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss.
His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."

Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.
The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do.  I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little.  Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH.  The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door.  The man starts running in mid-air.
"Run faster! Faster!"  He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform.  His shoes start to smoke!  His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH.  He's made it!  He starts to slow down!
The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train!
As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help!  This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !" With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said "That would be okay" and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...
The frog warned her-"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him."
The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me..."
So, poof she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world  and he will be ten times richer than you..."
The woman said. "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine... ", poof-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered "I'd like a mild heart attack..."

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500.
The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution:
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom.  He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. 
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom, and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom!  Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call.  I need my garden plowed."

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right.  If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy.  If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write.  A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write.  His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.  Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?

Never Try To Be Smart.
A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal.
The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left.
He puts it on the scale.
"Three pounds," he says.
"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?", she asks.
He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb. "Three and a half pounds," he says.
"That looks better, I'll take them both."

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.
The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players.  "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them.
"Oh! That doesn't sound good," one says to the other.
As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, "Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick."

A certain minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. What do all smart asses have in common?
A. Wise cracks.

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties...  He's the one with the beard and mustache."

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor.
The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."
The man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.
Horrified, the man asked: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news?"
"I couldn't reach you yesterday."

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.
The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins; if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Super Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled: E-I-E-I-O."

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it. "Don't worry about a thing, nurse," the doctor assured her. "He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anaesthetic."

Message from: Rome
January 18,  1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.  You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
Plutonius.

Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A.) National Dyslexia Association.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A Man Will Pay $2.00 for a $1.00 Item He Needs.
Woman Will Pay $1.00 for a $2.00 Item That She Does Not Need.

A Woman Worries about the Future until She Gets a Husband.
A Man Never Worries about the Future until He Gets a Wife.

A Successful Man Is One Who Makes More Money than His Wife Can Spend.
A Successful Woman Is One Who Can Find Such a Man.

To Be Happy with a Man, You must Love Him a Little and Understand Him a Lot.
To Be Happy with a Woman You must Love Her a Lot and Not Try to Understand Her at All.

Men Wake up as Good-looking as They Went to Bed.
Women Somehow Deteriorate Overnight.

A Woman Marries a Man Expecting He Will Change, but He Doesn't.
A Man Marries a Woman Expecting She Won't Change, but She Does.

Married Men Live Longer than Single Men, But Married Men Are More Willing to Die.

Any Married Man Should Forget His Mistakes.
There's No Use in Two People Remembering the Same Thing.

A Woman Has the Last Word in Any Argument.
Anything a Man Says After That, Is the Beginning of a New argument.

If you love something, set it free.
     If it comes back, It will always be yours.
     If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
     But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...
     You either married it or gave birth to it.

A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"

There was this couple in the jungle for a picnic.
Suddenly, out of the nearby lake, a crocodile rushes up and snatches the husband.
He hollers, "SHOOT!  QUICKLY!!"
The wife coolly asks, "Where's the camera?"

A lady walks into the bank and says, "I'd like to open a joint account with anybody who has money in it."

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.

One day this guy was hiking up to an old camp.
There was an outhouse along the way, so the guy goes up to the outhouse and accidentally drops a nickel down the hole.
He was very upset about this and threw his whole wallet down into the hole.
Another guy who was hiking saw him throw his wallet down in the outhouse hole and asked, "Hey buddy, what did you do that for?"
The guy's reply was, "You didn't think I would go down there for just a nickel did you?"

THINGS TO THINK AROUND AND ABOUT
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of the life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's Door; ring the doorbell and run [he hates that].
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide it's time to play chess????
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
There are two kinds of pedestrians....the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses ...they're everywhere.
Every time we make ends meet, someone moves the end.
Jury:  Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Santa and Banta work in a software company.
One day, they were to move their machines to another building.
Banta was having a tough time carrying his machine.
Santa : "My machine has a 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?"
Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!

It was Diwali, the indian new year, and a couple of Sardars wanted to meet each other to celebrate this joyious occasion.
Both of them went to the local area of their neighbourhood where everyone was firing crackers.
Santa Singh: "Banta, did you forget anything?
Banta Singh: "Nope, I've brought everything we need."
Santa: "Remember last year most of the matches were not working?"
Banta: "Yes. This time I guarantee all WILL work."
Santa: "How can you be so sure?"
Banta: "Because I tried them at home before coming here! Ain't I smart?!?"

You know you're in Texas when:
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
You can make instant sun tea...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance...
Hot water now comes out of both taps...
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you step outside... at 7:30 a.m. before work...
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...

It's so hot in Texas...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

It's so dry in Texas...
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got 'bout two and a half inches during that spell."

Q.  If a tall, skinny lawyer and a short, fat lawyer jumped off the Empire State Building, who'd land first?
A.  Who cares?

My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this e-mail communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it.  Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.
The children are doing well.  Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy.  He has developed quite an interest in the arts.  He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic.  You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September.  She looks a lot like you did at that age.  She is an attractive child and quite smart.  She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well.  I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun!  George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed, but that feather dusting made you sneeze.  The house is in good shape.  I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it.  I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going.  Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.  I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away,  She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it.  I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone.  Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often.
Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines.
One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an EKG told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Teacher: "If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?"
Student: "Six."

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction,  gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor.
"Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"
"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us.  Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.
She then went to the check out counter where she told  the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.  A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with  a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of your best toilet paper?"
The Moral: Never MESS with a Little Old Lady!

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole.

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television.
Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband came in and plopped down in his favourite chair to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

During the space program, the Apollo astronauts practiced 'moon-walking' in the Southwestern deserts.
The strange sight of the space-suited figures wandering around the landscape attracted several Indians.
One of them could speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were doing.
When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message to send to the moon.
The NASA people humored him, and he scratched out a message.
When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn't say anything.
The NASA people couldn't read it, since it was in Indian, and they finally had to resort to paying a willing Indian- for whom they had to search, since most refused- to tell them what it said.
The note said, 'Watch out for these people! They're coming to take your land!'"

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Once upon a time...there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter. Everything the king's daughter touched would melt.  No matter what it was, glass, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Every single thing she touched would melt.
Because of this sad situation, men were afraid of the king's daughter.  Nobody would dare marry her.
The king called for the wizard to come see him...The king told the wizard what was happening to his daughter.
The wizard told the king, "If your daughter could just touch one thing that would not melt in her hands, her condition will be cured."
Needless to say, the king was overjoyed.
The next day, the king held a competition.
Any man who could bring an object to his daughter, have her touch the object and it not melt, gets to marry her and inherit all of the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.  Brave souls...
The first prince brought a huge diamond.
He thought a diamond is the hardest and will not melt.  But, alas, once the princess touched the diamond, it melted!!
The second prince brought a very hard alloy.
But the same thing happened to this metal and so he too went away. Things were not looking good for the princess!!!
The third prince went up to the princess and whispered in her ear, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it."
The princess did as asked, though turning somewhat red.  TA DAHHH!!!  It did not melt!
The king was overjoyed.
The princess was pleased too.
And, the third prince lived happily and very rich....
What was the object in the third prince's pocket???
M&M's Chocolate candy! - Everybody knows that M&M's melt in your mouth and not in your hand!!

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"

A farmer walks into an attorney's office to file for a divorce...
Attorney: "May I help you??"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"
Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing.
Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir.
The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said.  "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too.  Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted.  "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation.
As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island.
As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on.
The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves.
So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop.
The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant.
"Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."

MORE & MORE SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s
1.  Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site
2.  When every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
3.  You cannot remember when the only choices you had in coffee were regular and decaf
4.  You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he emails you back "What's for dinner."
5.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
6.  You own a sport utility vehicle and you live where it doesn't even snow
7.  You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
8.  The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
9.  You can't change your hairstyle until your favorite television personality does.
10 On Friday you know there are only two working days left until Monday.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man.
 "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my' gator."

Afghan: Being hot and humid, your county (India) is not rich in fruits.
Indian: Don't generalise. Let's count and compare.
Afghan: We have apples.
Indian: We have mangoes.
Afghan: We have grapes.
Indian: We have mangoes.
Afghan: We have apricots.
Indian: We have mangoes.
Afghan: We have pomegranates.
Indian: We have mangoes.
Afghan: We have honeydew.
India: We have mangoes.
Exasperated, the Afghan says, " You sure don't have anything else except mangoes."
To this the Indian replies coolly, "SIR, WE HAVE LOTS OF OTHER FRUITS, BUT THE VARIETIES OF MANGOES ARE NOT OVER YET".

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light'.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Do you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.
The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."
The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dogs butt-- I'm just trying to find out which end is which."

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.  Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

It was the day of the big sale.  Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years.
Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all.  Why is that?"
Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school?  What memory school?"
Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose!  What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him.  He's afraid to cough."!!

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up.
The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong with you.  Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old.  By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it!  So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished.  He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer.  Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Subliminal Messages
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.
When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe.
Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?"
A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!"
The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more.
He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since we're the best of friends, doc, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment. But, you'll be pleased to know that I've mentioned you in my will."
"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor. After some quick thought, the doctor added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"
"Sure, but why?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change..."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer.
He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought.
Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer.
The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled.
Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going.
The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again.
The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender.
The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."
The man worked several months without any problems.
Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'," and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out.
Before the bartender had a chance to recover, a giant of a man with a black bushy beard rode into the saloon through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip.
The man tore the doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner.
He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half as he asked for a drink.
The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man.
He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, and turned to leave.
Seeing that he wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked the man if he would like another drink.
"I ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John is a'comin' to town."

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and.........................................................................................tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
The Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them."

A man was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after his wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that!  I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.
"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to the man let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught.
When the man asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, ok" responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

Mahatma Gandhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

There was a man who decided to ride his 10-speed bike from Phoenix to the Grand Canyon.
He made it across the desert with no problem but when he reached the mountains the steep grade wore him down.
Realizing he can't continue he decides to hitchhike.
Two hours go bye and not a single car has stopped.
A guy driving a Corvette stops and asks if he can help.
The bicyclist says "I could use a ride."
The driver looks at the bicycle.
"That won't fit in the car," he muses.  He opens his trunk and takes out a piece of rope.
He ties one end to the bicycle and the other end to his bumper.
"You've got a horn on your bike. If I go too fast, honk your horn and I will slow down."
This scheme worked well for several miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette flies past them. Not to be outdone, the first Corvette driver takes off in pursuit.
They fly through a speed zone. The patrol officer looks at his radar gun. It indicates both Corvettes are travelling over 120 mph.
He radios the officer ahead and says, "You've got two Corvettes headed your way. They're both doing over 120 mph." He hesitates a moment, then adds, "You're not going to believe this. There's  a guy on a bicycle. He's also doing over 120 mph and he's honking to pass......'

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

Donna Parker:  My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter kindergarten.  To make sure we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, I woke everybody up early---so early that it was still dark.
I was dressing when my little daughter came into my room looking troubled. "What's wrong?" I asked, mustering as much cheerfulness as I could at that hour.  "This is your big day!"
She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school!"

A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, once he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"

M. Allison Adams:  Although I'm not usually a nervous passenger, I once became very frightened on a small commuter plane.  A storm raged, with sheets of rain and gale-force winds.  Our first take-off attempt was aborted because of engine trouble.  We taxied back to the hanger, changed planes, and then sat on the runway awaiting take-off clearance. I remembered learning in psychology class that one method for decreasing stress and anxiety is to engage in conversation, so I turned to the man sitting next to me.  "What do you do for a living?" I asked. "I'm an undertaker," he replied.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.
He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string.  It'll come back to ya.

A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap.  She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?"
Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."
"Then where did you get the idea?" She asked.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young ladies from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy-up' ."

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

 

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