Excuses For Not Going To Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.

Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired my for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I just found out that I was switched at birth.  Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.

 

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